007 - Casino Royale

My own "Bond Girls"

The drama girls (friends from Pygmalion)

Her hair.  Yes, she did it herself!

With her two best Sophomore friends at Starbuck's.  I called this one "My Fair Lady." 

Goofin' off at prom.

Pretty Meleia - holding the coursage she didn't want to wear...

Manditory Fireplace Shot

Meleia and Andrea

Meleia and Andrea Closeup

 Table 10

Jessie, Meleia, Andrea, & Abby

The 5 8th graders from the Mexico mission team

 Aforementioned missionaries, being silly for a few minutes

Meleia said that they had a wonderful time.

As we speak, the oldest one is getting ready for prom.  YIKES!

I'm still doing OK.  But today is a bit rougher on the nausea and achiness side of things.  Dr. H said that I would porbably have one flu-like day, and I'm guessing today is it.

I've got heartburn or something resembling it, but it's painful.  And I'm a bit weaker than yesterday.  But, overall, I'm feeling much better than I had been prepared to feel, so it's still a win!

I just had to open my first escalated claim with PayPal.  I ordered a sign on 3/14.  Haven't heard "boo" from the seller.  Since I bought it through "buy it now," I paid immediately.  I've emailed her 5 or 6 times.  I've sent her messages through ebay and paypal.  We got her phone number from ebay and Paul tried to call 5 times, and no one ever answered.

And in the meantime, she's just racking up all sorts of positive feedback from folks who have GOTTEN their items.

I left her negative feedback, too, which probably means that I'll have a negative on mine tomorrow.

My mom is taking Ciera to the mall to get her makeup done for Prom.  AAACCCKKKK!!! Her date will be here in just 5 hours!

You guys, I don't know what's up besides your prayers and the prayers of many others, but so far I DON'T HAVE A SINGLE SIDE EFFECT. I'm taking meds that help. But other than being a bit weary (and discombobulated after dark), I'm doing great.

And the doctor doubled my pain meds, and I'm not hurting today, either. Walking isn't horrible. In fact, it's not even bad.

Whoda thunk the day AFTER chemo would be better than the day before??

Keep the prayers a'comin'.  This is really miraculous.  I'm so shocked, I can't even explain it.  God is good... all the time.

I'm tired, and suffering from a major case of "chemo brain," but I just wanted you to know that I'm here and I'm OK, and I'll be asleep soon.  The side effects are being controlled pretty well.  Dr. H said that I'll be flu-like achey tomorrow and Saturday. Fuuunnnn.

Ciera was nominated for a humongous honor in our city AND SHE WAS CHOSEN!!!!  I'm going to private post it, just becasue I don't want to show people how to get to my 16-year-old daughter.  But I'm very proud of her. It's a huge year-long deal.

Thank you for all the comments on my "Biker Chick" hair.  After the reaction from my family, it will be the hair that I pull out when I need to channel that inner Biker Chick for strength and sassiness.  But we did order "normal" hair yesterday, so that I can look as normal as possible to my children and my husband. http://www.tlcdirect.org/products/product.aspx?sku=7697

The prom dress saga... THE BLACK ONE HASN'T SHOWN UP!!!!!  And I haven't gotten an email that they've shipped it.  So, currently, she's going to wear the green one, and she looks fabulous in it.  Today, Stephanie is color correcting her hair, making the brown more even, and adding highlights.  She's going to be the most beautiful girl at the prom.  Someone reminded me to order a boutinierre, but Ciera said that a friend of hers is having a bout making party at her house on Friday.  So she's going to make Rob's herself.

Well, tomorrow is D day.  The day that an atomic bomb goes off in my body.  I'm praying that along with anything healthy that the bomb kills, it at least takes out a few cancer cells.  I have my "Cancer Sucks" shirt all layed out and ready to wear.  I have my list of questions for Dr. H.  I'm ready to go.  Except that I'm not.  I'm honestly quite scared of this.

Steph is taking me in the morning, but was going to swap out with Mo in the afternoon.  Mo emailed me this morning that she has sinus crud, so she can't be in the chemo room.  My cousin, Debbie, is going to come instead and "babysit" me in the afternoon. 

Then, I am blessed that my Grandmamma is flying into Denver on Friday night.  She and Mama will be coming down to stay with us for the weekend.  Mama is packing for a few extra days just in case I'm not up to snuff by Sunday.  I hope to goodness that I'm running around feeling great by Sunday!

I was blessed today when I went to check my sick and vacation balances today to see if I could at least take one of the days this week off paid.  Since I've been making up time for Doctor's appointments, and since I took the overdose day off unpaid, I actually have 16.5 accrued hours of leave.  I get to take Thursday and Friday off paid.  SHEW!

So, very specific prayer requests:

• For my anxiety - that I would find God's peace
• For side effects - that any that I suffer from can be controlled by meds, and that I don't suffer from any that can't be.
• For my family - they're all worried.  Can't say as I blame them.
• For my pain - I'm physically in a great deal of pain.  I'm using a wheelchair sometimes, because walking is just more than I can bear.  My pain patches aren't doing squat currently, and the doc and I will be having a long, hard talk about it tomorrow.

Thanks so much, all.

If I'm not up to posting (a good likelihood), I'll either have my mom post, or call Amy and let her know what's up and have her post.  That way, you guys will know at least that I survivied it, and you'll know what, specifically, we need to continue to lift in prayer.

See you on the flip side!

So, this morning, I had an appointment at the American Cancer Society to pick out my new hair.  They didn't have anything that just screamed "me," but they had one funky cool one, and it's the one I took.  It was that, or look like the mom on "that 70's show."

Here's what I look like currently.  This was taken on Easter:

And here's the new, funky, kind-of-wierd me:

OK, so it's kind of fun, right?  I'll probably wear hats most of the time, but when I need a pick-me-up, this'll be good.

Well, at 11:30 last night, we ordered two.  Yes, two.  And we'll return the one she doesn't choose.

This one, I like: http://www.macys.com/catalog/product/index.ognc?ID=234710&PartnerID=EMAIL2&BannerID=240

This one, Ciera likes: http://store.alloy.com/item.do?categoryID=229&itemID=46730&sizeFilter=&colorFilter=&brandFilter=#  In black.

I keep telling her that she has too cute a figure to wear the second one.  It's cute, but it's a sack.  I hope she falls in love with the one I like.  I also have to convince her that she's going with a very high profile senior, so she must stand out.

What's up with her only wanting to look at short dresses?  She wore a long one to Homecoming for crying out loud!  But would only consider short ones for Prom.  She says they're easier to dance in, which is probably right.

So, the blog has gotten fairly far behind life.  So I'm getting ready to update it all.  But first, before I say anything else, I need to set a few things straight.

When I post here, I sometimes just let my thoughts flow.  Sometimes, my thoughts are positive.  Other times, they're not.  But posting to a blog has the same effect as emailing.  You cannot see my expression, and you cannot "hear" my tone.  A lot can be read into what I say, I suppose.  I have received several emails questioning different things in my posts.  This is not aimed at any one person.  It's just something that if you read, you need to know. So, let me tell you some things.

1. No matter what I say, no matter how my tone feels to you, I have not given up.  There are things that I need to do while I can.  Things like taking a trip to Disney World or making a notebook for each of my daughters in case I'm not around for their weddings or the birth of their children.  Does that mean that I'm EXPECTING to be gone by then?  No.  I am hoping beyond hope that I never need those notebooks.  But here's the scoop.  If, knowing that I have an aggressive, non-curable cancer, I do not prepare for the worst, I am irresponsible at best.  I am expecting the best.  I am preparing for the worst.  I do not want to die with regrets.
2. Barring one of 3 things; being hit by a bus, Jesus coming back, or God's perfect healing, I will likely die of cancer.  But I will live with it as long as I can.  It's not a fun bedfellow.  I went to dinner for the first time in ages tonight, and because I ate fried food, I'm sick as a dog.  Thank God for phenergan.  Back to my point... all of us are going to die.  I just have the advantage of knowing what I will probably die from.  But that does not mean that I am letting cancer win without a fight.  I am fighting.
3. I will never commit suicide.  I won't rip off God that way.  I will give Him the chance to heal me until I can no longer be healed.  My doctor was worried that I might have attempted suicide when I accidentally overdosed on Ativan a couple of weeks ago.  But no matter what happens...  if I die suddenly... it will not have been at my own hand.  Please never worry about that. 
4. If I talk about something that you feel is morbid, please feel free to not read.  But please, do not question my motives or my mood or my choice of words.  I cannot explain everything that I say.  I apologize if I offend you.  Just remember number 1...
5. I have a lot of family and friends who read this daily, but do not comment or post.  I know that I have cousins, aunts, uncles, childhood friends, online buddies, and co-workers who read this and use it for their knowledge of what's going on in my life.  So, I write for a wide audience.  And sometimes, I'm restrained for that reason.  If something seems cryptic to you, let it go. It's cryptic for a reason.  Maybe only one or two readers will get it (for instance, did you know that "jelly" is an onomatopoeia?  It's not really, but I have a reader who tried very hard to convince an English teacher that it was once).   Anyway, I'm not trying to keep secrets, just wanted you to know.

OK, now to catch you up.

I think I told you that about a week ago, I got an email from Dr. H.  He had been doing research and thinking hard and doing more research.  And contrary to the way he has practiced medicine to date, SOMETHING was telling him that instead of being conservative with my cancer and waiting for it to grow before trying chemo, we needed to be aggressive.

Yesterday, Paul, Stephanie, and I met with Dr. H.  We heard a little more about what he was thinking.  He is concerned about my pain.  It is so intense that I do not know what to do sometimes.  He is concerned that even though the CT scan showed that the tumor had shrunk in the lymph system and the muscle wall, that perhaps it advanced in the leg bone even during radiation and chemotherapy.  Technically, if the tumor has gotten smaller, the pain should have also been reduced.  And it's not only not reduced, it's a lot worse on a daily basis.  So, because the disease should be knocked down, so he feels like we should give it a 1-2 punch and try to knock it out.

So, on the 19th, I start chemotherapy again.  We are going to be using one of 3 possible combinations.  Click on the drugs for a link to that drug's page on Chemocare.com.

• Cisplatin and Taxol (the number 1 choice)
• Carboplatin and Taxol
• Either Cis or Carbo, Taxol, and Epirubicin

The third choice shows a lot of promise in some of the studies that Dr. H read, but he's not convinced that it's going to add that much by way of efficacy.  It would, however, add a considerable number of side effects.  So he's going to do some more research on it and see if we're going to use the Epirubicin.

DeeDee, tell Rob that Cisplatin and Carboplatin both actually DO have platinum in them.  Interesting, huh?

I have had Cisplatin already.  It's the drug we used while I was doing radiation.  Its side effects are minimal.  But Taxol is a big old baddie.  I WILL lose my hair.  I WILL have immunity problems.  I might have some sensory issues. I will have nausea.  It's not going to be pretty.  The first dose will be a 3-week dose, meaning the dose that I would recieve if I get chemo every 3 weeks.  If, for some reason, I cannot handle it, we will cut down the doses and do it once a week.  I'm praying that every 3 weeks works.  We'll do 4 rounds.  I will recieve my last dose on June 21st.  I'll have treatments on Thursdays, take Friday off, and be back at work by Monday.

We also changed my method of pain control.  I'm going off the Oxycontin, and have started using the Fentanyl patch.  I'm hoping it works better, although right now, it's not so much better.  We'll figure it out, I guess.

So, now you're caught up.

One of my online friends from Denver found a wheelchair for me to use.  It's lightweight, and small, so it will be easy to get in and out of the Expedition and easy for me to maneuver.  I am so thankful.  Tonight, we went to Cracker Barrel to eat, and after sitting on a hard wooden chair and walking around the store for 10 minutes, I was dying from pain.  OK, not dying.  But it hurt a lot.  From now on, I'll be able to use the wheelchair for outings like that.  Especially at night when I'm already tired from work.  My limp is becoming more and more pronounced.  It's making me crazy.  But, it's more important to conserve energy than to be too proud to use a wheelchair.

A week after posting pictures of my gorgeous, newly 16-year-old daughter, she was invited to Prom.  By a senior.  Student Body President.  Scholarship next year to the Colorado School of Mines.  He's a nice kid. 

She found a note in her locker yesterday.  It sent her to a teacher who gave her the next clue.  That one sent her to a friend's locker.  And about 5 clues later, she was at the guy's locker.  She opened it to find a large box of chocolates with a note on it that said "Ciera, will you go to prom with me?"  Isn't that cute?  The only downside is that prom is a week from Saturday, and she has the play all this week.  So, I went shopping online and sent her some links to some cute dresses on sale.  If she picks one of those, I'll order it, have it express shipped, and she'll have her prom dress. 

She's also going to have her hair color corrected (the brown isn't quite right) and highlighted next Wednesday, so she'll look great.

I wonder if the guy will ask her to go an a date before prom.  If not, prom will be her first "real" date!  WOW!  She convinced one of her suitors from earlier in the school year to ask her best friend, so they'll have fun going together.

Don't worry.  I WILL take pictures!

OK, if you've made it this far, you're an amazing reader.  Thanks for indulging me with a few minutes of your day or night.  I do appreciate it.

BTW, I don't know what's up with the fonts and their sizes...  it looks normal in the blog editor.

So... anyone want to venture a guess at the cost of an Aranesp shot??

$4,000!!!!!!!!!

Yes, that's 3 zeros.  How on earth can one injection cost that much?  I'm so thankful for insurance.  That's all I have to say about THAT!

I got my hair cut today, nearly boy short. It looks pretty cute, and will be easy to take care of.  I love my stylist, Kara Lee.  She told me that I wasn't allowed to cry after she cut that much hair off.  I could cry in the car, but not before then.   I didn't cry.  I like it.  Paul hasn't said anything.  Not like he hasn't noticed.  I just know that it's shorter than he wants.  It's just that if it's going to fall out in the coming weeks, it doesn't need to be too long.

Thank you for all of your good thoughts about Walt Disney World.  I will make a way for this to happen with or without a wishing agency.  I have apps from 2 of them, and I'm going to talk to Dr. H on Monday when we go in to discuss chemo.  I'm going to explain that I'm not sure I want to know what he thinks my prognosis is as far as length of time, but that if a wishing agency is going to help us, I have to be in the last 24 months of life.  I'll see what his reaction is.  If he says "OK, I'll fill them out," I'll be both happy and sad at the same time.  But I'll send them in, and see if we can't go.

Disney sent me a very nice response to my request that they do take requests from wish granting agencies, but not from individuals.  So, I just need to find that magical wish granting agency.  But, if I don't, I'm going to make it work anyway.  If it means going further into debt, then so be it.  We WILL make this trip.  And if there's any way, it will be a surprise to the kids.

What I want to do is go over Fall Break.  We normally rent a cabin in Grand Lake every other year, and this is the cabin year. I want to have them pack and get ready to go to "a cabin," and then go to the airport and get on a plane.  They will be so shocked.  It will be amazing.  Of course, if a wish granting agency is involved, we may not be able to do it over fall break, and we may not stay in a cabin.  So if that happens, we'll figure out another way to surprise them.

$4,000 for one injection.  Over $100,000 for a year.  How on EARTH can one injection cost $4,000?!?!?!!?