So, the blog has gotten fairly far behind life. So I'm getting ready to update it all. But first, before I say anything else, I need to set a few things straight.
When I post here, I sometimes just let my thoughts flow. Sometimes, my thoughts are positive. Other times, they're not. But posting to a blog has the same effect as emailing. You cannot see my expression, and you cannot "hear" my tone. A lot can be read into what I say, I suppose. I have received several emails questioning different things in my posts. This is not aimed at any one person. It's just something that if you read, you need to know. So, let me tell you some things.
- No matter what I say, no matter how my tone feels to you, I have not given up. There are things that I need to do while I can. Things like taking a trip to Disney World or making a notebook for each of my daughters in case I'm not around for their weddings or the birth of their children. Does that mean that I'm EXPECTING to be gone by then? No. I am hoping beyond hope that I never need those notebooks. But here's the scoop. If, knowing that I have an aggressive, non-curable cancer, I do not prepare for the worst, I am irresponsible at best. I am expecting the best. I am preparing for the worst. I do not want to die with regrets.
- Barring one of 3 things; being hit by a bus, Jesus coming back, or God's perfect healing, I will likely die of cancer. But I will live with it as long as I can. It's not a fun bedfellow. I went to dinner for the first time in ages tonight, and because I ate fried food, I'm sick as a dog. Thank God for phenergan. Back to my point... all of us are going to die. I just have the advantage of knowing what I will probably die from. But that does not mean that I am letting cancer win without a fight. I am fighting.
- I will never commit suicide. I won't rip off God that way. I will give Him the chance to heal me until I can no longer be healed. My doctor was worried that I might have attempted suicide when I accidentally overdosed on Ativan a couple of weeks ago. But no matter what happens... if I die suddenly... it will not have been at my own hand. Please never worry about that.
- If I talk about something that you feel is morbid, please feel free to not read. But please, do not question my motives or my mood or my choice of words. I cannot explain everything that I say. I apologize if I offend you. Just remember number 1...
- I have a lot of family and friends who read this daily, but do not comment or post. I know that I have cousins, aunts, uncles, childhood friends, online buddies, and co-workers who read this and use it for their knowledge of what's going on in my life. So, I write for a wide audience. And sometimes, I'm restrained for that reason. If something seems cryptic to you, let it go. It's cryptic for a reason. Maybe only one or two readers will get it (for instance, did you know that "jelly" is an onomatopoeia? It's not really, but I have a reader who tried very hard to convince an English teacher that it was once).
Anyway, I'm not trying to keep secrets, just wanted you to know.
OK, now to catch you up.
I think I told you that about a week ago, I got an email from Dr. H. He had been doing research and thinking hard and doing more research. And contrary to the way he has practiced medicine to date, SOMETHING was telling him that instead of being conservative with my cancer and waiting for it to grow before trying chemo, we needed to be aggressive.
Yesterday, Paul, Stephanie, and I met with Dr. H. We heard a little more about what he was thinking. He is concerned about my pain. It is so intense that I do not know what to do sometimes. He is concerned that even though the CT scan showed that the tumor had shrunk in the lymph system and the muscle wall, that perhaps it advanced in the leg bone even during radiation and chemotherapy. Technically, if the tumor has gotten smaller, the pain should have also been reduced. And it's not only not reduced, it's a lot worse on a daily basis. So, because the disease should be knocked down, so he feels like we should give it a 1-2 punch and try to knock it out.
So, on the 19th, I start chemotherapy again. We are going to be using one of 3 possible combinations. Click on the drugs for a link to that drug's page on Chemocare.com.
The third choice shows a lot of promise in some of the studies that Dr. H read, but he's not convinced that it's going to add that much by way of efficacy. It would, however, add a considerable number of side effects. So he's going to do some more research on it and see if we're going to use the Epirubicin.
DeeDee, tell Rob that Cisplatin and Carboplatin both actually DO have platinum in them. Interesting, huh?
I have had Cisplatin already. It's the drug we used while I was doing radiation. Its side effects are minimal. But Taxol is a big old baddie. I WILL lose my hair. I WILL have immunity problems. I might have some sensory issues. I will have nausea. It's not going to be pretty. The first dose will be a 3-week dose, meaning the dose that I would recieve if I get chemo every 3 weeks. If, for some reason, I cannot handle it, we will cut down the doses and do it once a week. I'm praying that every 3 weeks works. We'll do 4 rounds. I will recieve my last dose on June 21st. I'll have treatments on Thursdays, take Friday off, and be back at work by Monday.
We also changed my method of pain control. I'm going off the Oxycontin, and have started using the Fentanyl patch. I'm hoping it works better, although right now, it's not so much better. We'll figure it out, I guess.
So, now you're caught up.
One of my online friends from Denver found a wheelchair for me to use. It's lightweight, and small, so it will be easy to get in and out of the Expedition and easy for me to maneuver. I am so thankful. Tonight, we went to Cracker Barrel to eat, and after sitting on a hard wooden chair and walking around the store for 10 minutes, I was dying from pain. OK, not dying. But it hurt a lot. From now on, I'll be able to use the wheelchair for outings like that. Especially at night when I'm already tired from work. My limp is becoming more and more pronounced. It's making me crazy. But, it's more important to conserve energy than to be too proud to use a wheelchair.
A week after posting pictures of my gorgeous, newly 16-year-old daughter, she was invited to Prom. By a senior. Student Body President. Scholarship next year to the Colorado School of Mines. He's a nice kid.
She found a note in her locker yesterday. It sent her to a teacher who gave her the next clue. That one sent her to a friend's locker. And about 5 clues later, she was at the guy's locker. She opened it to find a large box of chocolates with a note on it that said "Ciera, will you go to prom with me?" Isn't that cute? The only downside is that prom is a week from Saturday, and she has the play all this week. So, I went shopping online and sent her some links to some cute dresses on sale. If she picks one of those, I'll order it, have it express shipped, and she'll have her prom dress.
She's also going to have her hair color corrected (the brown isn't quite right) and highlighted next Wednesday, so she'll look great.
I wonder if the guy will ask her to go an a date before prom. If not, prom will be her first "real" date! WOW! She convinced one of her suitors from earlier in the school year to ask her best friend, so they'll have fun going together.
Don't worry. I WILL take pictures!
OK, if you've made it this far, you're an amazing reader. Thanks for indulging me with a few minutes of your day or night. I do appreciate it.
BTW, I don't know what's up with the fonts and their sizes... it looks normal in the blog editor. 
I didn't cry. I like it. Paul hasn't said anything. Not like he hasn't noticed. I just know that it's shorter than he wants. It's just that if it's going to fall out in the coming weeks, it doesn't need to be too long.
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